It's a Bittersweet Symphony, This Life.

Lately, I've been taking a lot of flack for the decisions I make. Everybody has done things in their life that they're not proud of. But, the decisions that I have made recently are decisions that I AM proud of. They might be bad in everyone else's eyes, but in my eyes they were the right decisions. One of these decisions came just the other day, and while I may have acted wrongly, I don't believe that I did.

The other day, my best friend's girlfriend was being incredibly selfish and argumentative with him. The entire argument/conflict could have been avoided if she had been willing to think about somebody other than herself. As I sat there and listened to him take all the heat from her and basically curl up into a sickening, shriveled display of cowardice, a lot of things were running through my head. First of all, she had been given a number of alternatives for doing something different than what she wanted to do; all of the alternatives had a certain amount of appeal to them. Instead of yielding to the plans that had already been set with a number of people, she continued to fight to try and get her own way.

As I sat there and watched/listened to this go on, I was reminded of the passages in I Corinthians that talk about Husbands and Wives submitting to each other out of reverence for Christ. I saw one partner trying to give opportunities for grace and for compromise, while another partner was rooted in selfishness and discontentment. I realize that this couple is not married yet. However, as a man, my friend should have stepped up as the man in the relationship. As guys, we are called to be leaders in the relationship. This means that, when it is the sensible thing to do, we should be able to step up and do the right thing even when it may cause conflict. In this case, the right thing to do would be to stick to the original plans that they had made with people.

This is where my decision comes into play. During this entire disagreement, I had been sitting there in silence, pondering the thoughts I have already shared here. At this point, I started to get frustated. Frustrated with my friend for not standing up and taking charge, and frustrated with his girlfriend for thinking of herself before others and being unwilling to yield. As I sat there, I got more and more irritated with my friend, and flat-out angry with his girlfriend. It was at this point that I made my decision. I knew that if I didn't leave,I was going to say something that I would regret. Without saying a word I got out of the car, shut the door, and walked away.

Then I kept walking.


And walking...


And walking...


Eventually I reached my house. Maybe the decision that I made was wrong, and maybe it was right. Should I have walked away? Maybe not. I knew that if I stayed there I was going to say things that I knew would not be right to say. As our 16th President Abraham Lincoln once proffered, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt".


Sometimes, we are so unwilling to remove ourselves from our preset notions, convictions and opinions. The title of today's blog comes from one of my absolute all-time favorite songs, "Bittersweet Symphony" by a British rock band called The Verve. One particular verse in the song says:

I can change I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold

Why can't we change our mold? Because we're selfish? Absolutely. Because we're scared of change? Probably. Sometimes we NEED to change our mold. Sometimes, we HAVE to take that step out into the unknown in order to truly find out who we really are.

The beginning of the end? Maybe.

Hello, constant readers!

I've decided that I am going to start using this blog as an outsource of myself in which to write. I've made the decision that I need to start trying more new things in order to become a more independent person. So, in this blog, you'll most likely read about my life...the things that happen to me on the daily, my gripes about work, family, money, friends, and whatever else crosses my mind.

So, where to begin? I guess I could write a little about what has been going on recently, since I have been using this blog basically as a place to vent before today. I'm a 22 year old male college student. I guess you could say I'm a loser of sorts. I have no car, no girlfriend, and I live at home. I work part time to pay my college tuition, but that's about all I can afford. I help out with bills, I cook, do laundry, and basically help keep the house running, since it's just me, my mom and my sister.

Now, what's been happening lately. School got out just over a month and a half ago, and I'm going insane. I love learning so much that when I'm not in the classroom I go nuts. I've been filling my time by reading, composing, hiking and other such activities, but it's not enough. There is a pretty good chance I won't be able to go back to school in the fall because I can't pay my school bill off fast enough to register for classes.

In other news, I think I'm losing my best friend; this is part of the reason I've decided I'm going to try to do more things independently. We used to be closer than brothers. 10 months ago, he got a girlfriend; (see my last post regarding my feelings on this) Since then, we have been drifting farther and farther apart, even if he tries to deny it -- which he has. We don't talk like we used to talk, or share things with each other anymore. The days of having hours-long conversations about life, love, the universe, God, Science and other topics that require deep thought are long gone. What I'm left with is a shallow friendship of sorts, one where we talk but don't talk; share but don't really share; remain friends even though the changes that have taken place continue to drift us further apart in the ocean of life. I think that sooner rather than later I will be on my own as far as friends go. I make a LOT of acquaintances, but I make very few extremely close friends. If this chapter of my life friendship must close, as it seems prone to do, I would hope that my next best friend will be my wife. I still love my best friend like a brother, but I just can't give into a one-sided relationship anymore; I'm tired, and I'm weary.

Moving on...

When it comes to girls, I'm pretty much stuck. I've always been a lot more mature than guys my age. While other guys are casually dating, I'm at the point where I'm looking for the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. In a few years I'd like to start a family and be teaching somewhere, and be creating a life with that one person whom I am meant to be with.

Since I've rambled on quite enough now, I think I'll stop at this point. If anyone has read this blog at all, I'd love your feedback. Heck, shoot me a message even if you don't have any feedback. Sometimes it's better just to know that someone, somewhere, is hearing what you have to say.

Until next time, I'm listening.

~Blazing Tuba~