I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I've also been thinking a lot about love. Sacrifice. Determination. I spent more than an hour last night just looking out the window thinking about these things. As I gazed upon the snowy, moonlight scene with woeful eyes, it occurred to me why I was doing such a crazy thing as looking silently at a chilly midnight snow:
I've fallen for someone.
The worst part? She doesn't know it, and there's a good possibility she never will. I don't see her often; at least, not as often as I'd like. She is such a major part of my life and she doesn't have the slightest idea how much I think about her. I think about how our life could be if we were together. Staying up all night talking. Curling up next to a roaring fire and watching a movie. Cooking a dinner together for each other. Sending a message or calling her during the day, just to let her know I'm thinking about her.
But alas, there is a good possibility that she will never know how I feel, because I'm not sure how to tell her or if I ever could. As I normally do when I think very deeply about something, I sat down to write out what I was thinking. Although I know she will probably never read what I've written, it makes me feel better knowing that I know exactly what I would say if I had the opportunity.
Dear ___________,
I really don't know how to start this letter, because I'm fearful that it might be the end of our friendship. I told myself that I might as well take the risk, because it's the only remedy I know that could release the feelings I've been keeping.
I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you now how much you mean to me. I want to find the perfect words and the perfect way to tell you, but words continue to elude me and I'm starting to wonder whether or not words even exist that would be a fitting description. What would they be? Something poetic? only God knows I guess, but I'm afraid it's no use; every time I think about you, words escape me.
It's something I can't explain. it's present every time I see your gorgeous smile; it's present every time I hear your sweet, joyous laugh; it's present every time I look into your stunning, bottomless eyes. It's like time freezes for a perfectly amazing split second before regrettably moving on; yet it also feels like time delightfully stops forever. If I knew I could spend the rest of my life just looking at you, not speaking out of nothing else but my own astonishment, it would be enough. I truly wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I think the only thing I could say to explain it to you is that you put me at a loss for words.
I truly hope that this doesn't do anything to endanger our friendship, because it is one that I cherish and enjoy. Please know that writing this letter to you was something I had to do, and that it has been the most complex yet relieving thing I have ever done.
With that being said, if you don't want to continue our friendship I will understand. I sincerely hope that I have expressed everything that I set out to express in this letter. No matter what happens, I pray that you will be happy. Even if that means being happy with someone besides me. Don't ever let anyone change you, because you're an amazing person just the way you are. And most importantly, don't ever forget to keep smiling; you never know who is falling in love with it.
Yours,
Kevin
I really don't know what to do. I know that if I don't say anything, it's going to hurt for a long, long time. However, she is not in the right place in her life right now for me to be unloading all of this extra baggage onto her. If I truly love her, which I do, I will do what is best for her -- let her go.
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