An open-ended letter.

I've always been better at writing than I have at speaking. I don't know whether it's an inherent trait, or if it's something I've just picked up as part of my personality over my lifetime. I've always found it easier to clearly express exactly what I'm thinking if I write it out. With that being said, this open ended letter says what I cannot say out loud.


To the person whom this is written:
You know who you are.

I've never been good at these kinds of things. Sometimes I don't know why I speak before I think. Too often, I do. It gets me in to tumultuous situations such as this. I've done it again this time.

Now don't get me wrong. I am interested in you, as a friend. But I think that all this time I've been trying to push the interest to something more than a friend, when I've known all along in my heart of hearts that it was never meant to be more than that. This whole time, I've been lying to myself. I never meant to hurt you, or to make you cry. I hope that I haven't done either of these things, or that I never will. But I just don't see this going anywhere, and I'd be kidding myself if I tried to continue this relationship romantically.

Everything I ever said to you was the truth. I do think you're beautiful. I think you're an amazing person. I just don't think you're the person for me. Perhaps musical artist Michael Tait said it best:

"What I wanted to say
Never came out the way
I wanted it to,

What I wanted to say
Only got in the way,
I never meant to hurt you,
But I didn't have a clue.

I hope that a time will come when you can forgive me for being such a coward and a horrible person. If and when it does, I still want to be your friend. But, if you don't want me in your life, I will understand.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so tired.

"I'm going to say what I really mean this time,
I don't need you around to speak my mind."
~Popple~


I'm not much the type to complain. Where other people complain about their circumstances or let jealousy, lust and lies run rampant in their lives, I've never really had a serious problem with any of that. But sometimes, it is good to let everything out. To complain. To gripe. To piss and moan. This is one of those times.

Neatly put, I am tired.


I'm tired of people who skate by on life doing the absolute minimum and continually get away with it, while I bust my backside to keep my head above water.

I'm tired of being out of school. Some of my classmates that are in school continuously complain about having to go to class, about having to do homework, and write papers. You know what? You're lucky. You GET to go to school, you GET to do homework to further educate yourselves, you GET to write papers to increase your understanding of the subjects you're supposed to be learning. So quit complaining, get off your lazy backsides and take pride in your education. There are many of us that would be more than willing to take your place if you can't get off your duff and make the mark.

I'm tired of my best friend being a showoff. You have a fiance. You're getting married in less than a month. That's GREAT. I am really happy for you, and happy that you've found the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. That's awesome. But do you really have to sit there and make out with your fiance in front of me, even though we've talked about the situation and how uncomfortable it makes me feel? I know you're doing it to make me mad; it's only so obvious when you lay one on her and then pointedly look at me directly afterwords. Grow up, and for God's sake, learn some self-control.

I'm tired of having to step up and take responsibility where other people have dropped the slack. It must be nice to skate by on the coattails of other people while they do your work for you. I wouldn't know; I've never had that opportunity, since I've always been busting my back. I am the epitome of a self-made man. I haven't had any help from anyone on this earth. Together, God and I have pressed forward to forge all the trails in my life. I've never had a free ride.

I'm sick and tired of being single, and I'm sick and tired of being lonely. I'm not a bad guy. I see all these people around me who are complete douchebags getting nice girls as their girlfriends. What is that about? Why won't girls give a halfway decent guy a chance? Somebody that isn't going to cheat on them, or drink, or do drugs, or womanize them. A guy that will be concerned for them; will laugh with them, will cry with them, a guy that isn't too much of a tough guy to hold her and tell her she'll be ok, but isn't such a pansy that he won't stand up for her in a fight.

I'm tired of complaining; I'll see you all again in the distant future when I have the desire for another outburst such as this.

We are Columbine.

April 20, 1999 -- Imagine a crowded high school cafeteria. Students everywhere are eating their lunches, studying for tests and spending time with their friends. As they did so, two seniors calmly walked into their school at the peak of lunch hour armed with guns and opened fire on their classmates.

This was Columbine.

I've recently finished David Cullen's book entitled "Columbine". "In this remarkable account of the Columbine High School shooting, Cullen not only dispels several of the prevailing myths about the event but tackles the hardest question of all: why did it happen?

After reading this book, it would be easy for me to say that I read it completely objectively without taking sides, without coming to my own conclusions. If I were to say that, I would be lying. This book leaves me angry. It leaves me angry at the killers, the subversive culture of the media in this country, and it leaves me angry at those that had to lose their lives in this terrible tragedy. It makes me appreciate my own high school experience even more.

Most of all, it makes me think of wasted opportunities.

All 13 of the people who were murdered at Columbine had opportunities. Opportunities that were wasted by two thoughtless mass murderers. Some students, like Patrick Ireland, would eventually recover. 13 others weren't so lucky. how often do we take our opportunities for granted? How often do we settle for less then the best because we're scared to take a chance? When I come across a new opportunity, I think of the 13 that lost their lives at Columbine.

In 2000, The Columbine High School Band premiered a work called "An American Elegy", which was written by a composer friend of mine, Frank Ticheli. Upon hearing that their school had no alma mater, he wrote them one. Both "An American Elegy" and the Columbine Alma Mater have stuck with me for years. After reading this book, I re-listened to these pieces of music, and I'm not afraid to admit that I openly wept. David Cullen's book may have provoked a response from me, but it took genuine, emotional music to make me really feel the dramatic scope of that terrible day. The words to the Columbine Alma Mater are something that everyone can draw strength from, not just students there:

"Mountains rising to the sun,
Towering o'er the plains;
Heads held high we stand as one,
And proudly we proclaim:

We are Columbine,
We all are Columbine!"

Even though I wasn't involved, and am in no way connected to the school, city, county or even state, I feel like a part of me belongs to those that now walk or have walked the halls at Columbine High School.

We ALL are Columbine.

Listen to a Recording of "An American Elegy"