Thoughts.

Lately I’ve been feeling extremely…depressed. Except depressed is not a strong enough word. I keep trying to trust that God will bring me out of whatever this is that I’m in, but I’d be lying if I said that there hasn’t been more than one night in which I’ve gone to bed and prayed that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. 

I’m tired of being treated like I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to be a friend. I’m not good enough to be family. I’m not good enough to be a boyfriend or a husband. The harder I try, the more I get burned. I get attached to people either romantically or otherwise, and they all eventually let me down.

My “Friends” don’t stay in touch. They don’t call, or text, or email, or facebook. I send messages all the time to see how people are doing, find out what is going on in their lives, or just to let them know I’m thinking of them and praying for them. I don’t get the same courtesies in return. 

My “family” is just as bad. Family is supposed to care about each other. They’re supposed to be involved in your life. My own father and grandparents didn’t even come to my college graduation. You could ask my mom and my sisters where I am transferring for school next year, and none of them would know. They show no interest in my life whatsoever. And these are supposed to be the people that love me no matter what.

And finally, to the one person who has been letting me down the most recently. I’m sorry I can’t be everything you ever wanted. But I have news for you. I’m worth more than you give me credit for. I’m compassionate. I genuinely care about other people. I’m sincere. I may not always say things in the most eloquent way, but when I speak, I mean what I say. I’m trustworthy. I don’t let my words speak about who I am; I let my actions do the talking. I’m sorry that I’m not in a position where I can give you everything you want, or even everything you deserve. I’m sorry I can’t be whatever it is that you think you need.

In general, I may be disappointed in all the things I can’t be. But I’m even more disappointed in people.