This haiku just came to me:
You ripped out my heart;
it no longer beats for you.
Let me have it back.
I don't think it's too bad, considering the subject.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Thoughts.
Lately I’ve been feeling extremely…depressed. Except depressed is not a strong enough word. I keep trying to trust that God will bring me out of whatever this is that I’m in, but I’d be lying if I said that there hasn’t been more than one night in which I’ve gone to bed and prayed that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
I’m tired of being treated like I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to be a friend. I’m not good enough to be family. I’m not good enough to be a boyfriend or a husband. The harder I try, the more I get burned. I get attached to people either romantically or otherwise, and they all eventually let me down.
My “Friends” don’t stay in touch. They don’t call, or text, or email, or facebook. I send messages all the time to see how people are doing, find out what is going on in their lives, or just to let them know I’m thinking of them and praying for them. I don’t get the same courtesies in return.
My “family” is just as bad. Family is supposed to care about each other. They’re supposed to be involved in your life. My own father and grandparents didn’t even come to my college graduation. You could ask my mom and my sisters where I am transferring for school next year, and none of them would know. They show no interest in my life whatsoever. And these are supposed to be the people that love me no matter what.
And finally, to the one person who has been letting me down the most recently. I’m sorry I can’t be everything you ever wanted. But I have news for you. I’m worth more than you give me credit for. I’m compassionate. I genuinely care about other people. I’m sincere. I may not always say things in the most eloquent way, but when I speak, I mean what I say. I’m trustworthy. I don’t let my words speak about who I am; I let my actions do the talking. I’m sorry that I’m not in a position where I can give you everything you want, or even everything you deserve. I’m sorry I can’t be whatever it is that you think you need.
In general, I may be disappointed in all the things I can’t be. But I’m even more disappointed in people.
I’m tired of being treated like I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to be a friend. I’m not good enough to be family. I’m not good enough to be a boyfriend or a husband. The harder I try, the more I get burned. I get attached to people either romantically or otherwise, and they all eventually let me down.
My “Friends” don’t stay in touch. They don’t call, or text, or email, or facebook. I send messages all the time to see how people are doing, find out what is going on in their lives, or just to let them know I’m thinking of them and praying for them. I don’t get the same courtesies in return.
My “family” is just as bad. Family is supposed to care about each other. They’re supposed to be involved in your life. My own father and grandparents didn’t even come to my college graduation. You could ask my mom and my sisters where I am transferring for school next year, and none of them would know. They show no interest in my life whatsoever. And these are supposed to be the people that love me no matter what.
And finally, to the one person who has been letting me down the most recently. I’m sorry I can’t be everything you ever wanted. But I have news for you. I’m worth more than you give me credit for. I’m compassionate. I genuinely care about other people. I’m sincere. I may not always say things in the most eloquent way, but when I speak, I mean what I say. I’m trustworthy. I don’t let my words speak about who I am; I let my actions do the talking. I’m sorry that I’m not in a position where I can give you everything you want, or even everything you deserve. I’m sorry I can’t be whatever it is that you think you need.
In general, I may be disappointed in all the things I can’t be. But I’m even more disappointed in people.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Sick of the Run-Around.
Quite recently, I've had my heart broken twice. Now, I did not plan for this to happen. Obviously. I mean, who plans to have their heart broken, honestly? But at the time, I was completely heartbroken and had no prospects whatsoever of finding love anytime soon.
Enter Allison.
Sometimes, I wish we could go back in time to our former selves, just to warn ourselves about future events, or to give ourselves better counsel on how to get through said events. I imagine a conversation with my past self would go something like this:
"Allison, meet Kevin. Kevin, meet Allison. She will have your heart almost immediately. She's everything you've ever looked for in a woman. She's Christian, she loves music, she's funny, unbelievably kind, and very sweet. You find her attractive, but it's just a bonus to go with the many amazing qualities and eccentricities the two of you already share together.
Kevin....she will break your heart."
Now I know I seem a bit overdramatic here. But you know what? I don't care. This is my blog, and I will write whatever I damn well please. Don't like it? Don't read it.
The point of the matter is that Allison was in a lengthy relationship. She broke up with said boyfriend, and about 2 months later, I entered the picture. We talked extensively over the next few weeks, and I did the stupid thing of letting myself start to become attached. Then one day, she made a point of telling me that she wasn't ready to date, that she didn't know when she would be ready to date and that she thought she'd be wanting to remain single for awhile.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I was stupid. I became too attached to her over the course of the month we had talked before this conversation. Then, perhaps the most maddening thing that could be done after this whole ordeal: She continued (and still continues) to talk to me (and flirt with me) as if nothing was ever said. I can't read her thoughts or her actions, and it's driving me crazy. I wish she would just say what she really wants from me, or what she really feels. At least that way I could process it. I wish there was some way I could tell her exactly what she means to me, how much I think about her, how she makes me feel a way that no other person has ever been able to do. If only she would come around, I am so certain about the whole thing that I don't think I would ever have to look for anyone again because I've found THE one.
But, alas, I remain stuck; the victim of yet another girl who likes to give me the run around.
Enter Allison.
Sometimes, I wish we could go back in time to our former selves, just to warn ourselves about future events, or to give ourselves better counsel on how to get through said events. I imagine a conversation with my past self would go something like this:
"Allison, meet Kevin. Kevin, meet Allison. She will have your heart almost immediately. She's everything you've ever looked for in a woman. She's Christian, she loves music, she's funny, unbelievably kind, and very sweet. You find her attractive, but it's just a bonus to go with the many amazing qualities and eccentricities the two of you already share together.
Kevin....she will break your heart."
Now I know I seem a bit overdramatic here. But you know what? I don't care. This is my blog, and I will write whatever I damn well please. Don't like it? Don't read it.
The point of the matter is that Allison was in a lengthy relationship. She broke up with said boyfriend, and about 2 months later, I entered the picture. We talked extensively over the next few weeks, and I did the stupid thing of letting myself start to become attached. Then one day, she made a point of telling me that she wasn't ready to date, that she didn't know when she would be ready to date and that she thought she'd be wanting to remain single for awhile.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I was stupid. I became too attached to her over the course of the month we had talked before this conversation. Then, perhaps the most maddening thing that could be done after this whole ordeal: She continued (and still continues) to talk to me (and flirt with me) as if nothing was ever said. I can't read her thoughts or her actions, and it's driving me crazy. I wish she would just say what she really wants from me, or what she really feels. At least that way I could process it. I wish there was some way I could tell her exactly what she means to me, how much I think about her, how she makes me feel a way that no other person has ever been able to do. If only she would come around, I am so certain about the whole thing that I don't think I would ever have to look for anyone again because I've found THE one.
But, alas, I remain stuck; the victim of yet another girl who likes to give me the run around.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Devastation.
With the last few weeks being as hard as they have, I have to say I'd be lying if this didn't come as a tremendous blow to me. I can't believe you're in a relationship now. I knew that it would happen eventually because you're such an amazing person, but I really hoped it would happen after you were gone so I didn't have to witness it. I don't know how I'm going to make it through these next few weeks. I really don't know how.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Disappointment.
This week, I did something that nobody in my family has ever done. I stepped into an upper echelon, obtained something that nobody else in my family ever has: I graduated from college. It was only with an Associates Degree, so it's not like it's a huge deal. But still, it's a pretty good feeling to be able to say I'm a college graduate. Or at least, I guess it must be a good feeling; I wouldn't know how it feels. All I feel is major disappointment.
I am not disappointed in myself. I worked extremely hard to get where I am at. I put in the effort and was awarded a degree. The degree was not just handed to me. I earned that degree. Here is my source of disappointment, the thing that hurts the most: I invited some of my high school students to come and watch me do what I once thought was the unthinkable -- becoming a college graduate. I asked them to give an hour or two of their time on a Thursday night. So many of them assured me they would be there, said that they would never miss it, said they wanted to help me celebrate. All in all, I invited more than 60 students to come to graduation to celebrate with me.
One student showed up.
I don't know if I've ever been hurt by something more in my life than I was during that night. I couldn't truly celebrate because the people who mean so much to me in my life didn't even care enough to show up. The one student who did show up, however, is one of my favorites. He is a young man that God will do amazing things in. I appreciate him so much and really have come to love him like a little brother. I wish it were enough to make up for the feeling that none of the other kids didn't even care enough to show up, but it isn't. It just isn't.
I am not disappointed in myself. I worked extremely hard to get where I am at. I put in the effort and was awarded a degree. The degree was not just handed to me. I earned that degree. Here is my source of disappointment, the thing that hurts the most: I invited some of my high school students to come and watch me do what I once thought was the unthinkable -- becoming a college graduate. I asked them to give an hour or two of their time on a Thursday night. So many of them assured me they would be there, said that they would never miss it, said they wanted to help me celebrate. All in all, I invited more than 60 students to come to graduation to celebrate with me.
One student showed up.
I don't know if I've ever been hurt by something more in my life than I was during that night. I couldn't truly celebrate because the people who mean so much to me in my life didn't even care enough to show up. The one student who did show up, however, is one of my favorites. He is a young man that God will do amazing things in. I appreciate him so much and really have come to love him like a little brother. I wish it were enough to make up for the feeling that none of the other kids didn't even care enough to show up, but it isn't. It just isn't.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Expendable.
Tonight was the last choir concert of the year for my students. While it was a fantastic concert, I am left with a bit of a disappointed feeling. The kids who are graduating this year are the first class to graduate that have gone all the way through high school with me volunteering my time to teach them music. These kids really mean the world to me and have had an impact on my life that I cannot ever hope to describe. However, the further along the night went, the more that a thought kept occurring to me -- I don't think I mean as much to these kids as they mean to me.
After the concert tonight, there was not a single hug; no "thank you"s or "you made a difference". Please do not misunderstand my intentions here; I do not mean to sound as if I expect to be cast into some sort of limelight, because that is the last place I want to be. What I hoped for was at least one child to say, "You made a difference."
Maybe they don't tell me that I've made a difference because I haven't made one.
You spend valuable time volunteering, putting in hundreds of extra hours and effort on top of your normal responsibilities just to create something bigger than yourself because you think that maybe it makes a difference in peoples lives; you think it matters to people. If you're lucky, you don't ever have to find out anything different than that. I was not so lucky. If you know me, you know I like to think. I spent a lot of time thinking about this situation, and a lot of time thinking about what teaching music to people has come to mean to me.
Consider this: when I started teaching people music, there had been no Hurricane Katrina; there was no such thing as Blu-Ray; Saddam Hussein was still alive, and America had never had a black president. The world has changed in a million ways. That is why I have always tried to teach my students something that will be useful no matter what.
So many things have gone out of date. But after all these years, music is still important. Music is still needed by everyone. Music is used to think with, to dream with, to hope with and pray with. And that is why I love music. It endures. It works. It changes and grows.
I had hoped that my students would allow me to teach them all of these beautiful qualities about music, and allow me to pass on the art form that has come to mean so much to me after all these years. Apparently, I have failed in the goal of teaching my students something meaningful and memorable. To the people whom have most impacted my life in the past few years, I am forgettable and expendable.
After the concert tonight, there was not a single hug; no "thank you"s or "you made a difference". Please do not misunderstand my intentions here; I do not mean to sound as if I expect to be cast into some sort of limelight, because that is the last place I want to be. What I hoped for was at least one child to say, "You made a difference."
Maybe they don't tell me that I've made a difference because I haven't made one.
You spend valuable time volunteering, putting in hundreds of extra hours and effort on top of your normal responsibilities just to create something bigger than yourself because you think that maybe it makes a difference in peoples lives; you think it matters to people. If you're lucky, you don't ever have to find out anything different than that. I was not so lucky. If you know me, you know I like to think. I spent a lot of time thinking about this situation, and a lot of time thinking about what teaching music to people has come to mean to me.
Consider this: when I started teaching people music, there had been no Hurricane Katrina; there was no such thing as Blu-Ray; Saddam Hussein was still alive, and America had never had a black president. The world has changed in a million ways. That is why I have always tried to teach my students something that will be useful no matter what.
So many things have gone out of date. But after all these years, music is still important. Music is still needed by everyone. Music is used to think with, to dream with, to hope with and pray with. And that is why I love music. It endures. It works. It changes and grows.
I had hoped that my students would allow me to teach them all of these beautiful qualities about music, and allow me to pass on the art form that has come to mean so much to me after all these years. Apparently, I have failed in the goal of teaching my students something meaningful and memorable. To the people whom have most impacted my life in the past few years, I am forgettable and expendable.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Life and love.
I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I've also been thinking a lot about love. Sacrifice. Determination. I spent more than an hour last night just looking out the window thinking about these things. As I gazed upon the snowy, moonlight scene with woeful eyes, it occurred to me why I was doing such a crazy thing as looking silently at a chilly midnight snow:
I've fallen for someone.
The worst part? She doesn't know it, and there's a good possibility she never will. I don't see her often; at least, not as often as I'd like. She is such a major part of my life and she doesn't have the slightest idea how much I think about her. I think about how our life could be if we were together. Staying up all night talking. Curling up next to a roaring fire and watching a movie. Cooking a dinner together for each other. Sending a message or calling her during the day, just to let her know I'm thinking about her.
But alas, there is a good possibility that she will never know how I feel, because I'm not sure how to tell her or if I ever could. As I normally do when I think very deeply about something, I sat down to write out what I was thinking. Although I know she will probably never read what I've written, it makes me feel better knowing that I know exactly what I would say if I had the opportunity.
Dear ___________,
I really don't know how to start this letter, because I'm fearful that it might be the end of our friendship. I told myself that I might as well take the risk, because it's the only remedy I know that could release the feelings I've been keeping.
I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you now how much you mean to me. I want to find the perfect words and the perfect way to tell you, but words continue to elude me and I'm starting to wonder whether or not words even exist that would be a fitting description. What would they be? Something poetic? only God knows I guess, but I'm afraid it's no use; every time I think about you, words escape me.
It's something I can't explain. it's present every time I see your gorgeous smile; it's present every time I hear your sweet, joyous laugh; it's present every time I look into your stunning, bottomless eyes. It's like time freezes for a perfectly amazing split second before regrettably moving on; yet it also feels like time delightfully stops forever. If I knew I could spend the rest of my life just looking at you, not speaking out of nothing else but my own astonishment, it would be enough. I truly wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I think the only thing I could say to explain it to you is that you put me at a loss for words.
I truly hope that this doesn't do anything to endanger our friendship, because it is one that I cherish and enjoy. Please know that writing this letter to you was something I had to do, and that it has been the most complex yet relieving thing I have ever done.
With that being said, if you don't want to continue our friendship I will understand. I sincerely hope that I have expressed everything that I set out to express in this letter. No matter what happens, I pray that you will be happy. Even if that means being happy with someone besides me. Don't ever let anyone change you, because you're an amazing person just the way you are. And most importantly, don't ever forget to keep smiling; you never know who is falling in love with it.
Yours,
Kevin
I really don't know what to do. I know that if I don't say anything, it's going to hurt for a long, long time. However, she is not in the right place in her life right now for me to be unloading all of this extra baggage onto her. If I truly love her, which I do, I will do what is best for her -- let her go.
I've fallen for someone.
The worst part? She doesn't know it, and there's a good possibility she never will. I don't see her often; at least, not as often as I'd like. She is such a major part of my life and she doesn't have the slightest idea how much I think about her. I think about how our life could be if we were together. Staying up all night talking. Curling up next to a roaring fire and watching a movie. Cooking a dinner together for each other. Sending a message or calling her during the day, just to let her know I'm thinking about her.
But alas, there is a good possibility that she will never know how I feel, because I'm not sure how to tell her or if I ever could. As I normally do when I think very deeply about something, I sat down to write out what I was thinking. Although I know she will probably never read what I've written, it makes me feel better knowing that I know exactly what I would say if I had the opportunity.
Dear ___________,
I really don't know how to start this letter, because I'm fearful that it might be the end of our friendship. I told myself that I might as well take the risk, because it's the only remedy I know that could release the feelings I've been keeping.
I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you now how much you mean to me. I want to find the perfect words and the perfect way to tell you, but words continue to elude me and I'm starting to wonder whether or not words even exist that would be a fitting description. What would they be? Something poetic? only God knows I guess, but I'm afraid it's no use; every time I think about you, words escape me.
It's something I can't explain. it's present every time I see your gorgeous smile; it's present every time I hear your sweet, joyous laugh; it's present every time I look into your stunning, bottomless eyes. It's like time freezes for a perfectly amazing split second before regrettably moving on; yet it also feels like time delightfully stops forever. If I knew I could spend the rest of my life just looking at you, not speaking out of nothing else but my own astonishment, it would be enough. I truly wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I think the only thing I could say to explain it to you is that you put me at a loss for words.
I truly hope that this doesn't do anything to endanger our friendship, because it is one that I cherish and enjoy. Please know that writing this letter to you was something I had to do, and that it has been the most complex yet relieving thing I have ever done.
With that being said, if you don't want to continue our friendship I will understand. I sincerely hope that I have expressed everything that I set out to express in this letter. No matter what happens, I pray that you will be happy. Even if that means being happy with someone besides me. Don't ever let anyone change you, because you're an amazing person just the way you are. And most importantly, don't ever forget to keep smiling; you never know who is falling in love with it.
Yours,
Kevin
I really don't know what to do. I know that if I don't say anything, it's going to hurt for a long, long time. However, she is not in the right place in her life right now for me to be unloading all of this extra baggage onto her. If I truly love her, which I do, I will do what is best for her -- let her go.
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